I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize