i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I AM VODKA MAN
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
