were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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