Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
