morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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