the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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