My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
