Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
