Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
