Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
