I think I won the penis lottery.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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