By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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