ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
