we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
