I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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