He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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