forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
