I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
