I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize