At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
