Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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