I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
