wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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