Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
