Fine. I'll sleep in my office
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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