I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
