I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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