I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
