fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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