i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
