im six kinds of drunk right now
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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