My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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