I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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