it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I lost the right to judge tonight
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
