Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
