if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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