Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
