Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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