Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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