My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
