Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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