Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
she looked like the before picture.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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