So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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