her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
