This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
