I'm jealous of your bromance
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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