I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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