He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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