spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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