Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
