Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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