what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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