Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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