After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
