So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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