Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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