omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
