Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
