Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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