My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
someone owes me an orgasm
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
