I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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