Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
