I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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