so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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