dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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